Blast from the past!!!

Its such an empty feeling as I write this, even though today turned out to be one of the best days in my life. It’s a feeling that left me speechless.

Met her after long weeks of exams, broken contacts, no communication. The past few days had been bad. Rains were fucking my brains. In the midst of all this we started to speak regularly. No more fights, no disagreements, just plain talk. We both decided to meet on the 16th, i.e today…


16th was always this date when good things happened..16th November 2003 – the day we hit it off, and never looked back…for 3 years, after which things were never the same again. The worst part was that time killed the relationship and distanced us from each other. Like they say people grow out of relationships, and there it was happening right in front of me..Life goes on, and 2 years later here I am today on my way as I ride down to bandra to meet her…16th of June..I had nothing on my mind and was pretty much convinced I was headed nowhere. But just that I could never shake that feeling off ever since November 2003..Like your stuck in a TV show and it plans the same episode over and over again..Yes, I was finally in love, and before I’d known it had slipped outta my hand

Anyways, not sounding like a heartbroken romeo, I get to the point. Slight showers, windy skies..Hmm, I think to myself..not a bad day for another disaster waiting to happen..Of late disasters have been a good 80% of my life anyways and I was sadistically enjoying some of em..dunno why. But what the heck, its funny

Met her at globus..and it was like a minute of speechlessness to see her after so long. Memories of the first meeting rushed to me, and before I knew, my head was complete turmoil. All in all perfect recipe for something extremely good or extremely bad. We exchanged smiles and something clicked just the way it did 4 years ago…And in a flash the future seemed like a clean slate, all the bad blood suddenly missing.

As the day progressed, it was getting better and better. This was turning out to be one of the best days of my life. Loads of laughs, conversation, eye contact..I was laughing with a “WTF” expression on my face..It all seemed too perfectly good to be right. Like a blast from the past. That was the exact phrase running through my mind time and again.

It was just that exact day 4 years ago..slight showers, no windcheater, an empty pocket, a ratty bike and a heart full of hope..Reckless, angry and madly in love. I somehow didn’t recognize myself..I suddenly remembered that day I met her on a crazy monsoon evening. It all looked like a huge Déjà vu happening again and again..

Its like you take a day from 5 years ago and relive it without notice and it suddenly hits you. It wasn’t a feeling of a broken heart. It was something else. I just couldn’t grasp. It was like meeting someone who you know has expired 4 years ago. Who was dead? I thought again and while I looked around getting some fresh air into my lungs before my mind plunged into another deep thought, I looked into the rear view mirror…And a strangely familiar face smiled back at me. Bewildered, I looked on…This was the Atul that I was 4 years ago… I chose not to probe deeper

The evening was fabulous.. Like a major blast from the past, it lasted like a dream… roaming on the bike, talking about any random stuff that made no sense, and yet laughing….All scenes from a memory that I knew were distant but felt like they happened yesterday…

And before I knew it, the evening was over…and I was riding on my way home, with a huge smile on my face…I was the same Atul that used to rush home after dropping her home hoping this would last forever, and as I rode home today with the same smile…Slowly, but surely, a sense of emptiness crept in..

I looked around again…Pouring rains, no windcheater, empty pocket, ratty bike…And an empty heart and a filled up mind rushing with three thousand two hundred and fifty emotions…Slowly, the evening set inside my mind. What was I chasing? What the fuck was I doing?

Like a huge dose of vodka on an empty stomach, the high was over . The reality bite stung me like a hangover as my mind puked the emotions all over my heart. She didn’t like me back, I remember her telling me before she left. I was just one of her closest friends now. And know what, it felt like shit to hear it. That friendship was just a consolation for being a new entry in the wall of shame where I could sit and laugh at myself all day long. This is what I wanted? This is what I was chasing?..I was ridiculed… I was the one left behind still loving her and she had obviously moved on


Like being in a hall full of people buzzing with activity, and one blink…they’re all gone…My mind was all empty..The turmoil of thoughts was over..Pin Drop silence..One blink and my mind was numb….I just rode on in the cold rain lashing out to me like it seemed I’d dissolve in the rain. My soul feels dead and a small tear slides down my cheek inside my helmet as I ride on.. Life sucks, I said to myself and smiled back, which was another cheap consolation for feeling emotionally drained.

Just thought about it all evening and I had to pen this down. I know brighter days lie ahead. Buts its maybe shit like this with skeletons of the past that comes to bite you in the ass that makes it worthwhile. And as the final showers for the day stop, and I see clouds moving on ahead, I think to myself….What a blast from the past!

Cheers

Atul Haldankar