Falling Apart..

Everything I see isn't as real as it seems,
Some irony of the past, suddenly they're my dreams..

I try to remember, never able to find,
The trails, these memories, all I've left behind...

And suddenly when it all seems to start,
Why am I falling apart?

Every prophecy is aimless, sure do I know,
Re-appearing everywhere, don't know where to go..

Like footprints in the sand, endlessly they lead,
Unfulfilled dreams of the past, a buried deed...

And she deceives my senses like it was an art,
And suddenly I see myself falling apart...

Don't wanna feel a thing, just stay numb,
would do anything to break free, never to succumb...

My feelings feel suffocated, so does my mind,
A little fury aghast, everything left behind...

As eternal conquest fails, the self begins to shatter,
You want to pull out badly, but strength you cant gather...

Why all of a sudden does it feel so wrong?
Wrong answers of these questions, I've waited so long....

My pride is scattered, I feel my soul depart,
Why me?! Why am I, falling apart?


-Atul Haldankar

The clock ticking...

Seems like I'm on a posting spree these days... This one's another set of lines which was a stage in life where I felt tied up, slowing down and didn't know where all this was leading..Most of us always have a fancy for clocks, their ticking sounds, classic dials, pendulums, and others hate the sound of the ticking..feels like every moment of life being ticked out of our souls like the sand in the hourglass losing a grain of sand every single moment..Here goes

The clock ticking...

I lived this life, felt so damn slow,
Laid my eyes on the clock, just felt the time go..

I tried to grab and catch it, run fast as I can,
Only to realize that she waited for no man....

I tried to live the moment, as it comes near,
Suddenly felt something whispered into my ear..

Enraged this fury, eternal homicide,
Tried best to avoid it, couldn't run or hide...

In my mind I hear this cry, my ear fill with pain,
The cry of the unexisting, imagination insane...

Suddenly I'm all alone terrified and,
Found this life's gone out of my hand...

All I could know that someone was tricking,
And suddenly I hear, the same clock ticking....

-Atul Haldankar

Voices...

This one made to the Bhavans College magazine back then..Matter of pride for me..Its one of those days when you get the creeps, or rather wanna try your hand at something paranormal, or maybe entirely psychological..One of my bestest dark creations..LOL..

Voices..

Would think it'd matter, dont think it'd seem,
But do we sometimes, when awake see dreams?

Have you ever though, ever looked around?
Ever heard any voices, some inaudible sound?...

Are you watching nightmares with wide open eyes?
No-one uttered a word, yet you hear a known voice?

These voices, seem many; Eternal conquest?
Or just our mind playing games at their best?

These voices, so real, where had they been confined,
A thought, this question, no answers could define...

Does life feel different, violent shuddering frames?
Do things move on their own, or do our eyes play games....

Does it ever feel dark, in broad daylight?
Does darkness seem to follow you, like the calling night?

This mysterious path shows up, when all else fails,
Life seems changing, and shows a different trail...

These voices got something to say, how in hell do i find?
Maybe somewhere i know the fact that it all lies in my mind...

What are these strange sounds, this familiar voice..
Is it something of the past with all these secrets despised..

I search for the answers, the darkness dont refrain..
These voices, they're maddening, they're making me go insane...

Be it my mind playing, or maybe truths from my past..
Will I ever find out, before I breathe my last?

-Atul Haldankar

How about...

This poem was my take at trying to consider things that we seem oblivious to at times...Its something asking us to think, and yet at the same time a striking feeling that "Yes, i have thought about this one sometime"...This poem dates back to 2003..Lemme know what you guys think



How about....

How about a life, that you never lived
How about a sacrifice, no-one would ever give...

How about a death you never though you died,
How about a cry that you never seem cried...

How about a creation no-one ever made,
How about something you never knew you said....

How about pain that'd never seem to end,
How about an enemy who you think is a friend.....

How about a revolution thats never been defined,
How about love thats hard enough to find....

How about a question no-one ever asked,
How about an identity thats ever masked....

How about perceptions we never reached,
How about prophecies, never preached....


How about a challenge thats never been taken,
How about faith thats never been shaken....

How about heights no-one ever scaled,
How about a victory thats never hailed....

How about a feeling thats never been felt,
How about a problem no-one ever dealt....

How about facts that you never knew,
How about legends noone ever spew.....

How about answers you will never find....
How about a fear thats one in its kind.....


Think about it

-Atul Haldankar

Long Gone..

Just ran through an old diary I used to keep back in FYJC...aspiring lyricist, aspiring band..Euthanasia was the name..Dusty old book got them cobwebs off olf memories..The Good old 20 ruppee day with 2 fresh lime soda glasses in bhavans college..Angst without a reason, rebel without a cause...Makes me sit back and laugh as I read the same diary today..Feels like meeting an old friend, and you dunno how to say hello...

I wrote this poem back then sitting at marine drive..Amazing 2 hours of doing nothing but sitting on the raling and noting down random lines as they kept coming..Turned out into a poem that I still cherish till date, and maybe one of my finest creations, although I dont have many to boast about..LOL...but here goes anyways

Long gone...

Waiting on the shores of Life,
Staring at the coming waves...

To and Fro come with the tide,
Seem to take everything away....


But surely they left behind something,
Something to cherish for life..

Like Precious moments of this love,
Marked on the sands of time.....

The sea so noisy, wanted something to say,
Maybe I'm too far; didn't understand anyway...

Then perhaps i realize the way you feel,
Maybe its the same way you don't understand me....

Cause you're too far it seems, cant convey,
All these words, we just walk our own ways...

And many of these moments we have spent..
Maybe we shall never see these again...

Someday we shall not be together
Or I may not make it....
Maybe then we'll get it and understand,
But I'll be long gone before you take it....

Perhaps then forgotten, but not in vain of all this land,
For this whole world shall see, our names I've written in this sand....

As I believe we're here for a cause,
And one day we'll have to leave...

Not forever, few moments to last,
So don't be away for a few moments to live.....

But fear not, I'll still be there,
Pain is not all the Lord is creating...
Remember me till your eyes close,
Coz up there, I will be waiting......

Thanks

Regards

Atul H

Blast from the past!!!

Its such an empty feeling as I write this, even though today turned out to be one of the best days in my life. It’s a feeling that left me speechless.

Met her after long weeks of exams, broken contacts, no communication. The past few days had been bad. Rains were fucking my brains. In the midst of all this we started to speak regularly. No more fights, no disagreements, just plain talk. We both decided to meet on the 16th, i.e today…


16th was always this date when good things happened..16th November 2003 – the day we hit it off, and never looked back…for 3 years, after which things were never the same again. The worst part was that time killed the relationship and distanced us from each other. Like they say people grow out of relationships, and there it was happening right in front of me..Life goes on, and 2 years later here I am today on my way as I ride down to bandra to meet her…16th of June..I had nothing on my mind and was pretty much convinced I was headed nowhere. But just that I could never shake that feeling off ever since November 2003..Like your stuck in a TV show and it plans the same episode over and over again..Yes, I was finally in love, and before I’d known it had slipped outta my hand

Anyways, not sounding like a heartbroken romeo, I get to the point. Slight showers, windy skies..Hmm, I think to myself..not a bad day for another disaster waiting to happen..Of late disasters have been a good 80% of my life anyways and I was sadistically enjoying some of em..dunno why. But what the heck, its funny

Met her at globus..and it was like a minute of speechlessness to see her after so long. Memories of the first meeting rushed to me, and before I knew, my head was complete turmoil. All in all perfect recipe for something extremely good or extremely bad. We exchanged smiles and something clicked just the way it did 4 years ago…And in a flash the future seemed like a clean slate, all the bad blood suddenly missing.

As the day progressed, it was getting better and better. This was turning out to be one of the best days of my life. Loads of laughs, conversation, eye contact..I was laughing with a “WTF” expression on my face..It all seemed too perfectly good to be right. Like a blast from the past. That was the exact phrase running through my mind time and again.

It was just that exact day 4 years ago..slight showers, no windcheater, an empty pocket, a ratty bike and a heart full of hope..Reckless, angry and madly in love. I somehow didn’t recognize myself..I suddenly remembered that day I met her on a crazy monsoon evening. It all looked like a huge Déjà vu happening again and again..

Its like you take a day from 5 years ago and relive it without notice and it suddenly hits you. It wasn’t a feeling of a broken heart. It was something else. I just couldn’t grasp. It was like meeting someone who you know has expired 4 years ago. Who was dead? I thought again and while I looked around getting some fresh air into my lungs before my mind plunged into another deep thought, I looked into the rear view mirror…And a strangely familiar face smiled back at me. Bewildered, I looked on…This was the Atul that I was 4 years ago… I chose not to probe deeper

The evening was fabulous.. Like a major blast from the past, it lasted like a dream… roaming on the bike, talking about any random stuff that made no sense, and yet laughing….All scenes from a memory that I knew were distant but felt like they happened yesterday…

And before I knew it, the evening was over…and I was riding on my way home, with a huge smile on my face…I was the same Atul that used to rush home after dropping her home hoping this would last forever, and as I rode home today with the same smile…Slowly, but surely, a sense of emptiness crept in..

I looked around again…Pouring rains, no windcheater, empty pocket, ratty bike…And an empty heart and a filled up mind rushing with three thousand two hundred and fifty emotions…Slowly, the evening set inside my mind. What was I chasing? What the fuck was I doing?

Like a huge dose of vodka on an empty stomach, the high was over . The reality bite stung me like a hangover as my mind puked the emotions all over my heart. She didn’t like me back, I remember her telling me before she left. I was just one of her closest friends now. And know what, it felt like shit to hear it. That friendship was just a consolation for being a new entry in the wall of shame where I could sit and laugh at myself all day long. This is what I wanted? This is what I was chasing?..I was ridiculed… I was the one left behind still loving her and she had obviously moved on


Like being in a hall full of people buzzing with activity, and one blink…they’re all gone…My mind was all empty..The turmoil of thoughts was over..Pin Drop silence..One blink and my mind was numb….I just rode on in the cold rain lashing out to me like it seemed I’d dissolve in the rain. My soul feels dead and a small tear slides down my cheek inside my helmet as I ride on.. Life sucks, I said to myself and smiled back, which was another cheap consolation for feeling emotionally drained.

Just thought about it all evening and I had to pen this down. I know brighter days lie ahead. Buts its maybe shit like this with skeletons of the past that comes to bite you in the ass that makes it worthwhile. And as the final showers for the day stop, and I see clouds moving on ahead, I think to myself….What a blast from the past!

Cheers

Atul Haldankar

Mankind [continued]

In the beginning, man made religion for his own convenience..today religion is a toy that has gone way beyond man's reach..religion and racism is responsible for the wars man ever waged..the world today is one atomic bomb clicking its way into its own doom..man has created the democracy..its become the democracy of the lunatics..its no longer for the people..no longer by the people..it is all against the people...man has already become the biggest parasite on this planet..we are on top of the food chart...on top of the chart of the intellectual beings..and now on top of the beings headed towards being extinct..man made machines to do his work..man made servants out of machines to a point of total abuse..but as the wheel of time spun, the tables turned on man himself..today, we have fallen as slaves to the technology we once created. man has crippled himself with the inventions he made himself..he has tried to alter his own fate and the due course of history, but in return its led to doom...and in the process of making our present making a futuristic dream , we have made the future seem like a distant dream now...today, its the machine that rules the human, like our hands tied down and facing the wall,we follow da path this technology leads us..it ushers nothing but doom into our lives..the life that fades away slowly from ourselves..Man calls himself the architect of the new world..but little does man know that he has become the architect of his own demise...its a tragedy thats come our way..but its we who have asked for it....its said that everything in this world comes at a price..there's a price to pay for everything you make or break...this is our price to pay, our punishment due...one day we will all wonder why this happened to us..but deep inside we'll all know that we are responsible for the mess we created out of this one planet we had..coz this planet is the only chance we have..and we are cutting the branch we're sitting on...there's no looking back now...The Countdown has begun......